Reflections of Depression and God

SCRIPTURE READINGS:
Psalm 23 Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever. 

Luke 8: 26 – 39 Jesus heals the Gerasene Man

Then they arrived at the country of the Gerasenes, which is opposite Galilee. As he stepped out on land, a man of the city who had demons met him. For a long time he had worn no clothes, and he did not live in a house but in the tombs. When he saw Jesus, he fell down before him and shouted at the top of his voice, ‘What have you to do with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I beg you, do not torment me’— for Jesus had commanded the unclean spirit to come out of the man. (For many times it had seized him; he was kept under guard and bound with chains and shackles, but he would break the bonds and be driven by the demon into the wilds.) Jesus then asked him, ‘What is your name?’ He said, ‘Legion’; for many demons had entered him. They begged him not to order them to go back into the abyss.

 Now there on the hillside a large herd of swine was feeding; and the demons begged Jesus to let them enter these. So he gave them permission. Then the demons came out of the man and entered the swine, and the herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and was drowned.

 When the swineherds saw what had happened, they ran off and told it in the city and in the country. Then people came out to see what had happened, and when they came to Jesus, they found the man from whom the demons had gone sitting at the feet of Jesus, clothed and in his right mind. And they were afraid. Those who had seen it told them how the one who had been possessed by demons had been healed. Then all the people of the surrounding country of the Gerasenes asked Jesus to leave them; for they were seized with great fear. So he got into the boat and returned. The man from whom the demons had gone begged that he might be with him; but Jesus sent him away, saying, ‘Return to your home, and declare how much God has done for you.’ So he went away, proclaiming throughout the city how much Jesus had done for him.

One: Listen to what the Spirit is saying to the church.

All: Thanks be to God.

REFLECTION

Today I am sharing a deep dark secret with you all, a secret I’ve kept for many years; I feel like I’m coming out of the closet today.  Today I’m sharing with you something about myself that in the past I’ve shared with almost no one; today I’d like to share with you, that I live with clinical depression.  

I know there have been a number of rumours circulating around as to why I have been off of work lately.  While I am not required to share why I have been off with anyone other than my doctor, I’ve learned during my time off that shame and sorrow feed on the darkness, that it’s most helpful to bring this into the light, to be open and honest about it, and doing so helps me to bring my life into the light. 

It’s hard to be vulnerable and be open about my struggle, however I know that I am not alone in this, which makes it easier to share.

The statistics now say that 1 in 5 Canadians will personally experience a mental illness in their lifetime, and about 1 in 10 will experience major depression at some time in their lives.  If you look around this room, that makes for a lot of shared experiences here. 

As you are aware, for a long time it was completely taboo to talk about mental illness at all, but things have been changing.  More and more people are willing to share their stories and slowly our society is realizing how many people are affected with mental illness and how much it affects our world.  One of my hopes is that by sharing my own story and struggles, I can help others to know they’re not alone and help to change the perception that depression and mental illness is shameful and weak, when really it takes a lot of strength to live with mental illness, to live with any chronic illness!

About 8 years ago I was officially diagnosed with depression but my story with depression began long before then.  Depression isn’t like some illnesses that can be found through a blood test or an ultrasound – it takes a lot of observation and piecing together to finally determine a diagnosis.  Looking back I can see signs of it as early as 14 years old.

Shortly before my diagnosis I had been living in South Africa and had no idea why in the opportunity of a lifetime, I never seemed to enjoy life.  I arrived back in Ontario in the middle of a school term so I got a job working at the Bombay Company.  I was living with my parents, and slowly becoming an alcoholic in an effort to self medicate.  Thankfully I had a very good friend at the time who lived with depression herself.  She helped me to see how much I was spiraling and that I may have depression as well.

Through medication and counseling I managed to get much better and eventually returned to school.  I graduated and was ordained.  The next big blip in my mental health came after Gillian was born.  She was about 2 months old when I flew back to Ontario for an extended visit – things had been very rough at home for me, but I thought once I was around my support network things would be much better…but they weren’t.  I was diagnosed with post-partum depression as you might imagine.  Over time and with help and support, I got better. 

This most recent big blip in my mental health probably began about a year ago and intensified in the last few months, and to be honest I have no idea why.

I had been feeling completely exhausted all the time, I was regularly forgetting meetings and things people had said to me, I withdrew from friends, I withdrew from my husband and daughter, I had the hardest time concentrating on anything, I found being creative a particularly painful exercise, I had absolutely no patience, I felt numb, I felt the mask of “everything is okay” slipping, and I knew I was struggling with my depression. 

I did everything I could possibly think of to try and battle against it – I sought out counseling through the United Church’s Employee Assistance Program, I began working out 5 or 6 times a week, I ate very healthy, I tried to spend a lot of time outdoors, I hired a Spiritual Director, I did everything I could think of to try and beat this myself. It wasn’t until a close colleague and friend pushed me to talk to my doctor that I realized how bad I had gotten and how poorly I was hiding my depression.  Thankfully I have a supportive doctor who agreed that things weren’t going well and that I wasn’t going to get better without time and more help.  I’m also incredibly thankful that I have a benefits package that helps to ensure financial pressure isn’t another burden to carry during the healing process. I’m thankful for a team here at the church that took the news of a break extremely well and helped to keep things running smoothly in my absence, and a family that has been supportive through all this.  Depression, shame, and sorrow love to hide alone in the darkness – reaching out for help is the first step in healing.

The scripture readings I have chosen for today are not part of the regular lectionary but rather 2 readings that for me, speak to mental illness.  When I first began thinking about today’s service the 23^rd Psalm came immediately to my mind, especially that line “yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death” because for many people living with chronic illnesses, including depression, your world often feels like it is buried in the shadows.  It is that next line that helps us to remember God though, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me.” 

The Psalmist reminds us again that in the shadows, God is there, in the darkness, God is there, in the fear and emptiness, God is there.

The second reading we have is often referred to as the healing of the Gerasene Demonic.  In the bulletin I have titled this "Jesus heals the Gerasene man."  It’s a small change but I think one that shows how unvalued this man was that he is named by his affliction rather than by who he was.

The man who was afflicted by many demons was despised and thrown out by society – no one wanted to see how different and unwell this man was.  We are told he lived in the tombs, which would have been housed just outside of town, a place where the town kept dead bodies until all the flesh had rotted so then the bones could be collected and placed in a box. The tombs must have been an awful place to live.  The town disliked him so much and valued him so little, that “the tombs” is the only place they allowed him. 

Jesus however sees value in this man.  Jesus speaks with this man and works to help him have a better life.  We read later in this passage that the man was “sitting at the feet of Jesus, clothed and in his right mind.”  Because Jesus was willing to take time to be with this man and to work to find out what he needed, this man was able to finally live his life fully as a member of the town and allowed to live within its walls again.

Jesus’ compassion on the "unclean outcast" who everyone else was afraid of and wanted to lock up, reassures us that even when we are unwell, Jesus is there.  Jesus is with us in our darkest times, ready to talk with us and to help us find ways to feel better; to find ways to be able to live our lives fully. 

When we begin the passage in Luke 8, we read that the man with the demons met Jesus as soon as he arrived in Gerasenes and fell down at Jesus’ feet.  This man came to Jesus begging for help and Jesus helped. 

This passage is a reminder that sometimes no matter how strong we are, we just can’t do it all on our own.  Asking for help is the first step in beginning a process of healing – as those who live with chronic illnesses know, physical healing is not always possible, but a healing of the soul may be. 

I did not have Jesus there to met me and heal me like the Gerasene man did, but I did have agents of God.  There have been many people in my life who I believe God used to help to heal me.  Friends who were able to see what was really happening inside of me, friends who could say to me "you need help," a doctor who understands how hard it can be to go alone in this journey, family who supports me as I try to understand how to live with depression, colleagues who check in to make sure I know I’m not alone, and a congregation that is full of love and care as I seek to re-find my way to wholeness.

Through these people, I know I am not alone.  The Gerasene man had Jesus to heal and support him – God gave me all those people to heal and support me.  When we’re ready and willing to look for help, God IS there, we are never alone, even though at times we may feel alone.

I would like to end today with the words of the United Church New Creed that remind us all that God is, has been, and always will be.

We are not alone,

    we live in God's world.

We believe in God:

    who has created and is creating,

    who has come in Jesus,

       the Word made flesh,

       to reconcile and make new,

    who works in us and others

       by the Spirit.

We trust in God.

We are called to be the Church:

    to celebrate God's presence,

    to live with respect in Creation,

    to love and serve others,

    to seek justice and resist evil,

    to proclaim Jesus, crucified and risen,

       our judge and our hope.

In life, in death, in life beyond death,

    God is with us.

We are not alone.

Thanks be to God.

Amen.